Lilies
by Aynnilynn
Summary: She let it go too far. SJ.
1. Chapter 1

He didn't think he could take anymore pain.

His entire life had been riddled with injustices which any normal man couldn't bear. The death of his son was the worst of them all; taking his soul to a dark place to which he hoped to never return.

He thought he had escaped it, and he thought wrong.

As he attempted to tie his silk tie with shaky hands, he avoided the mirror. Reflections see too much. For something so inanimate, it reflected reality with a startling clarity that his hollow eyes couldn't handle.

The other occupants in the room were somber, looking more like pall bearers than the unorthodox bridesmaids they were meant to be. He could tell they were keeping a close eye on him and as Daniel handed him his jacket. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words were right on this occasion.

How do you comfort your best friend when he is meant to stand behind the woman he loves as she gets married? No, no words were appropriate, so eerie silence won.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Sam was on the far side of the chapel with Cassie who was helping with her hair and make-up, attempting to fill a void left by two women that could never be replaced. She was an inadequate substitute for her mother, much less Sam's mother as well, and felt the weight of that burden tremendously.

As she handed Sam her bouquet of white lilies, not Sam's favorite but Pete liked them, she tried to think of something to say. Her mind was screaming to tell her not to do it, run away, find Jack, don't marry yourself to a lie… but the supportive side of her, the fill-in side, just found itself speechless. With a small smile they headed out the doors to the sanctuary.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

The ceremony, already unorthodox with three male bridesmaids, was twisted further with the stand-in of Cassie as the mother. She was seated just before the ceremony on the bride's side, and just stared at her uncles standing a few feet away from her.

None of them looked happy or excited. In fact, the only one showing no emotion at all was Jack. Teal'c's face held a grimace of disappointment and Daniel's a mixture of sadness and fury where briefly one would win out over another. Cassie wasn't sure if he was going to cry or scream.

Then the music started.

-- -- -- -- --- -- -- -- -- --

Sam took a deep breath and resolved herself to follow through with her decision. She knew at this point it was her pride that was her weakness, and when the music started and the doors opened she suddenly realized what that pride had made her do.

As she stared down the aisle which looked inordinately long for a church this size she was greeted by the sight of her fiancé on the right, and the man she was in love with on the left. She gasped for air; afraid she might faint, and attempted again to steel her resolve.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

She seemed to be taking a long time to get down the aisle. When the doors had opened she looked as if she was going to run, but after a few seconds and a couple hesitant steps she seemed to have regained her composure. About three quarters of the way to the front though her stride got smaller, her steps faltered and her face became extremely pale. The plastic smile wavered and Cassie noticed that she was no longer staring at Pete, as she had been, but at Jack.

Jack, who was standing in formal attire waiting to support her through her decision, and willing to give up his own happiness for her.

As sudden as the moment was it was over and she reached the front of the church with a few more hurried steps and fell in place beside her husband-to-be.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

The ceremony seemed long to Cassie and when her part came up, after the small sermon and before the vows, she wasn't sure she could do it. It was the ceremonial lighting of candles by the mothers to show their individuality. The couple than used these candles to light one, which symbolized their union.

As she demurely scooted out of the pew to join her family at the front, tears came to her eyes. When the pastor held the candle out to her to be lit, her hand shook as she grasped it.

This wasn't lost on her uncles, all of who were silently supporting her, Jack, stepped a little closer to her incase he was needed. This unfortunately brought him closer to Sam as well.

As she walked to the candles on the side of the alter, passing by Teal'c on the way, she walked slowly. Looking across the alter at the woman, Pete's mother smiling ridiculously on the other side, she broke.

A sob racked her body as her hand came up to her mouth and the candle dropped to the floor.

Teal'c was there in an instant, and caught her as she collapsed into heaving sobs which would not be quieted. Daniel was quick to assist while the couple just stood frozen to the spot and the congregation let out a gasp.

Pete looked at Sam. It was only a fleeting glance, just long enough to see her eyes roll back and her body start to fall. His reactions were too slow, and he just stood there frozen as he watched his rival catch her gently and kneel on the floor with her in his lap.

Dr. Lam was quick to be ushered to the front of the church as Cameron's startled "Carolyn!" rang throughout the chapel.

Cassie was sitting there crying her eyes out, and crawled over to Sam just as her startled eyes opened.

When awareness reconstituted itself, all Sam could see was Jack O'Neill looking down at her with a concerned face. A smile lit her eyes and her hand reached up to stroke his cheek, and then back through his hair. His eyes closed, relishing the contact.

As he stood her back up to face her fiancé, he noticed the fire in Pete's otherwise goofy eyes. She took a minute and looked at Pete, just stared at him in front of everybody, analyzing him, sizing him up.

In the end, she leaned forward, handed him her bouquet and simply said, "I don't like lilies, Pete."

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TBC? That depends on if it seems like it's worth it to you. Let me know.


	2. Chapter 2

It was two days after her almost-wedding that she finally got out of bed.

The wedding had ended terribly. Pete had exploded over her statement and wouldn't listen to her as she tried to explain. His ranting, albeit justified, didn't stop until he worked himself up into such a frenzy that he brought his hand back as if to slap her.

A gasp came from the mutinous congregation as Jack's hand was quick to grip his wrist.

That was when the scene froze for Sam.

Cassie, still on the floor with puffy red eyes, looking up at her with such hope; a little girl who just found out that fairytales might actually be true. And in the same moment the look of a wise and weathered woman who had seen too much pain, and was shell-shocked at the sight before her.

Daniel and Teal'c, who were both kneeling near Cassie, had the same look of rage, like lions about to pounce on their prey. A look of sheer and utter hatred on their faces that Sam thought was directed at her, until she realized they were staring at the men behind her.

Pete had a shocked look and a rapidly bruising wrist about shoulder level which was immovable thorough the grip that was maintaining the blood loss to his fingers. The tingly feeling that began in his fingers distracted him from the piercing gazes of the men around him, and the entire left side of the church.

It was in this moment that Pete's mother felt her words were necessary.

"Samantha, you should know your place by now, sweetie. My Pete knows what is best for you, and will take care of you. Let's get on with the ceremony, shall we?"

Matching startled looks were found on most people in the church at these words, and Sam's only reaction was to laugh. Not a polite little chuckle, or a demure giggle, but a full on belly laugh, clutching her sides while tears rolled down her face and everyone looked at her like she was nuts.

When she sobered, quickly considering the circumstances, she still had a large smile on her face. The first real smile her friends had seen in months.

Daniel and Teal'c helped Cassie up from the floor as Jack lowered Pete's hand and stated.

"Daisies, Pete. Carter likes red Gerber daisies."

The hand which recently released Pete's wrist found the small of Sam's back as the group walked back up the aisle.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Good? More? I have the next part kinda written already, but I may change some of it if there is something ya'll don't like. Let me know.

Also, 'Monday' was my first story I've ever written, much less posted—this being my second, and I wanted to say thank you for all the kind reviews.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N This chapter was "inserted" into what was already written thanks to a idea I wanted to try out given to me by shinysilvergrl. I hope this lives up to what you wanted.

Hope was not something Jack O'Neill was used to feeling. It is something so foreign, having been suppressed for so long, that when it happened he was sure he was going crazy.

However, hope, was all he could feel when Cassie collapsed to the floor. Which was more than he had felt before the incident; it brought him out of a numbness that he would wish on no one.

Concern was the next in line—for Cassie of course, her young heart not being able to stand what was happening. Her duties were too hard, too much for her to handle in this ceremony and Sam should have realized that. How could she have asked her to perform, to try and fill a hole so deep she could only get lost in it?

Which, inevitably led to anger. Angry at her. Livid. He never thought he could truly be disappointed to the point of infuriation—at Samantha Carter. But he could, and he was. The sobbing girl in front of him only incensed his anger, which he thought could get no worse until he noticed the argument before him.

Pete was yelling at Carter. He was yelling at her as if _he _had the right to be angry at her; yelling at her on her wedding day, in front of the church no less. For a brief moment he thought of intervening, but with a wry internal shrug thought that since he hadn't done anything before it wasn't his place now.

Until, he saw his hand swing back. At that moment, had he had his side arm, the man would have been dead. There would be no remorse. He would gladly have killed him with his bare hands in a 'house of God' for that movement. And as he gripped Pete's wrist with a subconscious movement so quick he was sure no one even noticed until it was there, he fought hard with his urge to snap his wrist in two.

Distraction came in the form of idiocy. He had always pretended to be stupid, as a tactic it worked well, but for those without the mental acuity to even grasp their own mediocrity—he had no pity. Nor did he have any for the woman who opened her mouth and uttered the one thing that no one should ever say to a woman, much less should come from a woman's mouth. No. This was stupidity born of genetics, of breeding, and of beatings he was sure.

What he didn't expect, however, was the heartfelt and borderline hysterical laugh that erupted from Carter. The smile that followed it was more than he could handle, a smile from Carter could make him weak in the knees, but this was more than that. One of liberation, of release…and once again hope sprang up inside.

He slowly lowered Pete's hand to his side before fully releasing his grip, knowing the younger man would have the imprint of his hand in the shape of a bruise for days. This pleased him to know that Pete would have this reminder as he reached for Carter to guide her out of the church, after a few parting words to the ex-groom.

His hand on her back was not light, or gentle in anyway. He was still furious with her, and that was reflected in the heavy and slightly possessive hand that almost pushed her back up the aisle.

The small party did not stop in the hall, but continued outside. When they finally did halt, Sam's back was to them, and with a brief glance over her shoulder she did something else none of them expected.

She ran.

A strangled "CARTER!" was all that could escape his mouth before she had made it to the bus that was sitting on the corner. He started quickly for the bus, at a dead run, and saw her glance briefly through the side window before the bus gathered speed and left. He stopped halfway in between the bus stop and his friends, once again in the state he had started the day in. Numb.

-- - -- -- -- --

I hope that was something like what you wanted, Sil.

Once again the reviews make my day, thank you.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N I've learned something about myself as a writer. I can't just sit on the story if I have part of it written. I also don't feel like bartering for your reviews by withholding chapters either. I really do enjoy them immensely and if you feel like writing one it is always appreciated, but I also want to go ahead and post what I have written… so since last chapter was an 'insert' here is what originally followed chapter two. The REAL chapter 3, which we will now call 'chapter 4'. If there is something you would like to see happen, let me know, and I'll see what I can do—as clearly shown with the 'fake' chapter 3.

It was two weeks later that she finally had the nerve to talk to anyone other than Cassie.

Embarrassment, shame, and a multitude of other emotions assaulted her whenever she let herself think, and what to say to these men was beyond her grasp.

How do you look the people you love in the eye again when you break their trust in your judgment so thoroughly? Can you hope to regain it?

Betrayal is a strong word, but the only one that she can come up with when she thinks of Jack O'Neill. Daniel and Teal'c she was sure of their forgiveness, if not understanding, in time. But Jack? No, she didn't expect that from him. She knew him too well.

That's why when she showed up on his doorstep she wasn't surprised that he didn't answer the door. When she "let herself in", the first thing she noticed was the mess. His house, usually pristine, was messy. There were plates of food on the counter, beer bottles near the couch, and magazines strewn about.

It wasn't messy in a someone-broke-in way, but more a carelessness which did not resemble Jack O'Neill at all.

Not knowing what to call him, _Sir? Jack? General?_, she didn't announce her presence. She just methodically started looking through the house for him.

It was the clip for his beretta lying in the hallway that shocked her.

When she opened the door to his bedroom the situation became even more surreal.

He was lying on his left side on the bed facing her, curled into a fetal position, wearing plaid pajama pants and a black t-shirt. His side arm was next to his pillow, but missing its clip. In his right hand was a small glove which was precariously touching an empty glass which would fall on the floor with any slight movement. His left hand held a care worn photo with frayed edges, but was at an angle that she couldn't see who was in it.

His eyes were closed, obviously in sleep, but the tracks where the tears had fallen were fresh enough that he could not have been asleep long.

It was while staring at him that his eyes opened slightly, and a small gasp escaped his lips. He clenched his eyes shut again as the tears started streaking down his face and his soft sobbing began.

She didn't know what to do.

She was saved from the moment by the movement of the glass, whose life had been in a dangerous situation to begin with, descending to the ground and smashing against the hardwood floors.

He sat straight up so quickly it startled her and he looked as if he was going to jump off the bed.

"Don't!" she almost screeched at him as he went to stand up.

He froze on command and looked up as if only seeing her for the first time.

"You're barefoot, you'll cut yourself, let me… get a broom. I'll be right back…"

She ran to the kitchen and returned to find him sitting in the same position. She quickly swept up the dangerous glass and had just turned to put the broom against the wall when she found her self pressed up against it.

He put his full weight into immobilizing her against the wall, and with his entire body lined up with hers and her face an inch away from his, he looked at her.

"What are you doing here, Carter?"

"I…you were right."

"Was I?"

"Yes, it's daisies. Red Gerber daisies."

The understanding that passed between them at that moment is something that words could never actually describe. But, actions could.

She lightly and ever so slowly leaned in to kiss his right cheek whispering in his ear, "You were right."

Slowly she moved to the left but she didn't make it. His kiss was strong, passionate, desperate, and gentle. It overpowered her senses to an extreme that she was sure she started purring. Her entire body was humming from the intensity of his mouth.

When it came to an end she realized that he was just as awed as she was with what they just experienced.

"I love you." It came out as a whisper, but being so close he heard it just the same.

His eyes closed in pain. "It was always you, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I let it go so far, I didn't, couldn't love him the way I love you. Please, God, please forgive me…" She realized that she was begging, tears streaming down her face as she pleaded with him, for his forgiveness, for his love.

When he looked back up at her his eyes were cold.

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Trying my shot at a cliff hanger… what do you think? Did it work?

I know this might seem slightly out of character for some, but give me the benefit of the doubt for a bit, I'm trying to add 'depth.'


	5. Chapter 5

"Leave." He stated, as he quickly put at least ten feet of distance between them.

As tears continued streaming down her face her pleading continued with a stuttered statement.

"God…no, please, I love you…" And a much quieter whisper, "Jack, Jack, I love you Jack."

"Don't call me that! You have no right to call me that. Walk out that door right now Carter. NOW!"

She was shocked into silence, but her body refused to move but in one direction. As she slid down the wall and the world became a blurred mess with her tears, she realized that she couldn't leave if she wanted to. There was no way; she knew if she walked out that door it would be over. Gone. He'd never come back to her, if he ever could at all.

His loud tone didn't lessen, but through the raised voice there was also a hint of desperation.

"Don't you get it Carter? Don't you see? I can't handle this… us. It would never work."

Her head shot up as she quickly started to protest, "No, it would, we'd make it work."

"No Carter, it wouldn't. Don't you understand how much power you have over me? You almost getting married took me to a place I'd only been once in my life. A place I never wanted to go again and you took me there. I loved you and trusted you, and you led me back to the darkness. What would I do if you decided to leave? What would happen to me? For crying out loud Carter! You didn't even stop the wedding! If Cassie hadn't broken down would you have gone through with it? Would you have?"

Knowing he'd know if she lied a whispered "Yes" was the reply he received.

His tone softer he continued, "You see Carter? I can't let you have this control, this power. I can't live the way I have been the last five months… and you?"

His voice suddenly strong and angry beyond anything she could have imagined, "HOW DARE YOU! How dare you think that you can come back here after all this and expect anything of me! You say you love me but they're just words Carter, just words. Of all the jargon that has ever come out of your mouth, those words are the ones I don't understand. Your actions speak volumes and you think a whispered declaration because you're alone again is going to fix it? You're smarter than that, Carter. Now leave, before I let my anger get the best of me."

Standing up to face him her frustration at his dismissal manifested itself in a response.

"Is that a threat, Jack?"

Before he could protest her use of his name again she continued.

"Are you going try and hit me too? Go ahead, bring it on, I can handle anything you throw at me! The only thing I couldn't handle is you giving up on me… on us." Lowering her voice she continued, "I did that, and it was the worst mistake of my life, and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you don't repeat my mistake. I love you. If you don't believe me, let me show you. Please, Jack. Don't let me go, love me, please."

When she finally got the nerve to look him in the eye again she could tell he wasn't there. There was a hollowness to his eyes the belied the fact that he was lost in a memory.

She approached him hesitantly and as he looked down at her standing about a foot away, he said the strangest thing. Merely a whisper, but clear none the less.

"The C4 is going to blow. You've got to get out of here."

Suddenly she knew where he was. He was on that ship so long ago, and there was a force-field between them.

"So do you." was her whispered reply.

Then, slowly, hesitantly she reached her hand up and keeping eye contact placed it on his chest over his heart. His frantic heart beat would have worried her, but his next actions frightened her more than anything.

He broke.

Jack O'Neill broke.

Directly in front of her he was suddenly back in the bedroom staring at her, gripping her shoulders as he slumped towards the ground, his legs no longer holding him up. Tears were once again streaking down his face as he whispered through hurried breaths, "Oh, God…Carter—don't hurt me anymore, please don't. I love you, I can't handle this, no, no, no, I can't live without you but please, please…don't hurt me anymore, please don't hurt me…"

She sank to the floor with him and answered his desperate pleas with kisses all over his face, when their lips finally met it was different than before. More desperation, more love, and somehow more passion broke free and they were all over each other.

Literally, metaphorically, Sam didn't care how, she just wanted Jack O'Neill.

-- -- -- -- -- -- --

A/N Ok, here's another chapter, do you think it's too out of character for Jack? I mean, we don't ever get to see the vulnerable side of him really, and I think of anyone, Sam would be the one who could evoke that.

Now, I have to read for my doctoral class tomorrow which I haven't been able to read for cause this was rolling around in my head. I think it's at a good position to end the story, but I'll leave it up to popular demand—for what is entertainment if not for the masses? Let me know.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Insert XXX scene here—if I ever get up the nerve to write smut, this is where it'd go people…

She thought after last night that things would be ok. She thought waking up in Jack O'Neill's bed would somehow fix what she had messed up.

She woke up alone.

Their desperation left no room for the cliché of 'making love.' What happened last night was sex. It was passionate, frantic, chaotic, mind blowing sex between two people who loved each other, but there was very little of the love part a lot more of the need part.

This she could look past, if she hadn't woken up alone. No smell of breakfast in the air, no coffee or a note saying he'd gone out for a run. She was alone; she felt used somehow.

A glance to the nightstand revealed the picture from the night before to be one of her Janet and Cassie, taken a couple of weeks before…she wished Janet were here. She would have kept this all from getting so messed up.

She looked around the room for her clothes and found that he had piled them up at the end of the bed. As she was getting dressed she noticed that there was no underwear in the pile. Images from the night before came back and she realized even if she had them, they were merely scraps now.

On any other day that might have made her smile, even giggle a little—having her underwear torn from her body by Jack O'Neill, well, it's not exactly an unhappy time.

Yet, she was alone.

She went downstairs to find the house in the pristine condition it was always in, and briefly wondered what happened to the shards from the broken glass. She felt that she could empathize with the glass, and realized empathy with inanimate objects may actually lead towards insanity, if she wasn't there already.

When she entered the kitchen she found her car keys on the corner of the counter, a bagel beside them with a note that said "_See you at work Colonel—there's still space in that room, right? –Gen. J.O."_

_--- -- -- - -- - - - - - _

Yeah, so Jack has gone a little bipolar in my opinion. But, having your heart trampled gives you the right to be a little messed up.

Sil, you're like my inductee into this writing thing. I fixed the anonymous reviews thing, any other words of wisdom you would like to impart, feel free. I really do appreciate it as I'm new to this.

Thanks again to all the reviewers. I have to say if I actually do write more for this site I'm going to launch a campaign against…review withholding..it needs a better name, every campaign needs a catchy slogan—I'll get back to you on this…


	7. Author's Note really

A/N There will be a real chapter next but I wanted to address a few things that were brought up in some reviews.

Feel free to completely skip this part if you don't care what I have to say!

1. Someone asked me to clarify my comment about review withholding.And I may be repeating myself, but I want to be sure my thoughts aren't being mangled due to lack of articulation.

I'm not talking about you, the reader, not reviewing me. I'm talking about me, the writer, not posting more of the story and demanding a certain number of reviews before being willing to post more.

I understand that some people really want reviews, who doesn't it? But I kinda feel like the point of a site like this isn't so much to have your ego boosted but to improve your writing skills. I'm sure others will disagree, but the topic can't begin to be addressed until it's out on the table, so I'm outing it and giving it the name of 'review bargaining' (still kind of a weak name, if you have something better let me know. The campaign is only as good as the name that is in front of it!)

I'm also not attempting to offend anyone either, just merely asking them to rethink their motives behind their creativity.

2. To IloveSG1- the intention there was that Jack was mad at Sam for putting Cassie in that position. Not that he was directly mad at Cassie—sorry if that was unclear, and I hope that answers your question.

3. Uuzz- that line shall be clarified further soon…see next chapter.

4. trtlsoup- I agree that the demanding reviews turns people off from the story, which is the main point of this. I don't have a beta at the moment, so any answers to my questions at the end are appreciated. Thanks.

5. ShinySilverGrl- I have to say that my motivation behind making Jack emotional (in the privacyof his own home, of course) is that with all the 'damned distasteful' things that he has done—I don't believe for a moment that without some kind of emotional release he'd still be able to function. Blame my minor in psych, we're complex creatures. Thanks again for your reviews.

6. Jessie88- Thank you for your kind words and witholding judgement til the end. Which I'm afraid may be after the next chapter depending on popular demand. I agree with your comments on sex being used as a tool, but hopefully you'll like the aftermath in the next part. Let me know please.

Ok, so that's about it for the authors note that might as well be a chapter, but has nothing to do with the story. Right. And, being the nice person that I am, and in the high hopes you all don't hate me for being a loud mouth, I am adding the next chapter after this at the same time so that you're not 'duped' into reading only an author's note.


	8. Chapter 7

Jack O'Neill didn't know what to do with himself. Last night contained the most incredible sex he had ever had, with the one woman he was so in love with he couldn't breathe when he fully contemplated it.

Looking at the clock, 0700, he realized she'd be waking up about now. He could see her finding the note, but couldn't imagine her reaction. He idly wondered whether or not she even realized he did not stay the night.

After she had fallen asleep, he didn't let himself linger, he slid from her grasp and quickly picked up the mess of his room and put on some sweats. After picking up his living room and writing her a note, he came to the base; first thing he did was take a shower.

He did everything he could to wash her off of him, to get rid of her smell, the feel of her, even to the extent of merely throwing away the sweats he had worn in. He knew it was crazy, but swore they still smelled like her.

He wondered if he'd ever be able to go home without seeing her there.

He had broken last night, and she had seen it. He was scared; no one person had ever had that much control over himself or his emotions. Ever. It was a control he was not willing to give up, and a power he wasn't sure he trusted her with. He tried to tell her as much last night, but her pleading was too much for him, and he slipped a little deeper into the madness that she created inside him.

Walking through the base, contemplating the conversation he had just had with Hammond, Jack found himself at the one place that seemed oddly appropriate. The isolation room. He sat in the corner, head down, arms on his knees, and just let the myriad of emotions wash over him.

The anger had dissipated and a resounding loneliness had taken its place.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

After dropping the note to the floor and hurling the bagel into the wall, Samantha Carter grabbed her keys and ran for her car.

She made it to the base in record time, amazed she didn't get a ticket in the process. On the elevator ride down her nervousness caught up with her. What right did she have to demand anything more from him?

Remorse hit her square in the chest and she leaned against the back wall of the elevator as if it had been a physical attack.

She suddenly knew where he was. She switched the elevator button to the correct floor, and when she arrived at her destination broke into a sprint. As she turned the corner leading to the isolation room she stopped, caught her breath, and walked slowly to the door. Barely coming inside she stated:

"I thought we were ok."

He didn't look up. He knew she was there by the pounding footsteps that had echoed of the walls.

"Carter, where did you get this naïve notion that sex fixes things? It doesn't, especially not when it's considered illegal. But that's just the icing on the proverbial cake. Sex, is sex, Carter. Nothing profound. Don't be so childish. Happily ever after is a myth."

"You're wrong." Her claim was strong, her voice steady and with an assuredness he couldn't remember feeling.

"I speak from experience."

She hadn't moved from the door as she continued, "So, last night, that was just a one-off thing? Get it out of your system, use me for sex?"

"Use you, Carter? No, in this situation you don't get to point fingers when we're talking about using."

When he looked up he could see her head hung in shame. When she looked back up with glassy eyes, their eyes locked.

"I'm sorry, sir." Looking anxiously around and meeting his eyes again, she said in a soft, almost childish voice, "Can we… talk? Please?"

After a moment of silence, and the only sound she heard was of her heart beating in her ears, she heard a reply. One that was much more Jack O'Neill than he had been in the past two days.

"Sure, Carter. We can talk, but you'll have to come inside. I won't talk to you from the hallway."

"I can't do that, sir…"

The shocked expression on his face almost made her giggle, and she was quick to finish her statement.

"…this room is too full."

A slight smile graced his lips as he levered himself off the floor.

"That it is, Carter. That it is."

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Ok, there's a little more for you. I really have no ideas on where to go from here, and would love some ideas if anyone has any. Hope you liked it.


	9. Chapter 8

A/N Look, I know the ages here are probably wrong for the show, but I don't really remember any specific instances of them stating how old they are so for my purposes I shall make them as old as I want. Feel free to correct me, but if it changes the storyline I'm going to pretend to not believe you.

They ended up at O'Malley's.

The silence hung heavy in the air as both parties didn't really know how to start the conversation they had been imagining, fearing, and hoping for, for the last nine years.

Finally, after a seemingly ridiculous amount of awkward silence, he asked the one question he decided was the most important.

"Why did you give up, Carter?"

She sat stunned in her chair for a moment, not expectinghim to be so blunt, then calmly reached for her beer and took a small sip.

"Because of Grace"

A perplexed silence followed.

"Sir, do you know how old I am?"

"Yes Carter, you're 36." He stated sure of himself in his answer.

"No, sir, I'm 38." She said looking down at her food, which the waitress just happened to bring during her statement. How convenient.

"I…no you're not."

"I think I know how old I am sir, and if you don't believe me check my file." She wasn't going to admit to lying to Daniel and soundly convincing him of the two year difference.

"How do I not know that?"

"How do you know I like red Gerber daisies?"

There was a moment of silence at those words, and she was kicking herself for bringing up that day during this conversation, in a rhetorical sense or otherwise.

He recovered quickly, noticing she didn't know what to say after her careless words.

"So, you're 38, so what?"

"So what? Do you know that being over the age of thirty-five makes you 85 more likely to never conceive? Much less the question of whether or not I could with the naquadah in my blood. I got to a point, just after the Prometheus incident, that I felt I had to decide between two things that I wanted."

"What do you mean decide? Like me, or a baby?"

"Yes. Grace was there, on the Prometheus. She was probably just a hallucination, but she was so real. She looked just as I'd always imagined our little girl looking, and I couldn't handle it. I realized that I had to make some choices. I couldn't have you, so I took the steps necessary to be able to have a 'Grace.' I couldn't let both dreams go, so I let _you _go."

Once again, her beer bottle was her refuge as she waited for his response. He looked like he couldn't catch his breath.

"Wait a minute. _Our_ little girl. Carter? You've imagined having children with me? And… and hallucinations? There wasn't anything in your report about hallucinations. Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you talk to me about any of this?"

"For the same reason we never talked about anything for the past nine years. The same reason you never said anything, even when I showed you the ring Pete had given me. For the same reasons that still hold true today. I couldn't. I wasn't allowed and I didn't have the right."

Absorbing and understanding her answer led him to only one other question he needed answered.

"Carter, if there wasn't anything in the way and you still had to make that decision, what would it be? Me? Or a Baby?"

There was no hesitation; no waver in her voice as she made eye contact with him and stated clearly:

"You"

His hand reached hers before she could get to her beer bottle again and he held her hand on the table. The small intimate contact was her lifeline.

A small wry chuckle left her lips, and a smile appeared,as she heard him whisper:

"We're going to have to work on our communication skills."

A/N That percentage is totally and completely made up. But, for the purposes of this story it works. I'm not usually in the habit of disseminating false information but google was making me angry and not giving me what I wanted. Sorry, feel free to correct me on that as well...but, I may again feign ignorance. I hope this little twist works ok, and explains her actions enough for their relationship ship to reconcile in the minds of the readers. Would love to hear what you have to say.

Once again I say fight back again 'Story Bargaining' review only if you feel compelled to!


	10. Chapter 9

Sam was troubled. She had just admitted to the reasons why she had ripped out the heart of the man she loved, stomped all over it, and then attempted to unceremoniously thrust it back into his chest.

Her problem was that her argument sounded weak. She was sure her logic wasn't flawed, and during the silence that ensued once he took his hand back from hers she did what she always had.

Geek that she is, she tried to look at it symbolically—symbolic logic made sense to her, helped her reason.

_She wanted children with Jack_

_She couldn't have Jack_

_Therefore she couldn't have children. FALSE_

_She wanted children_

_To have children you need a man_

_Therefore to have children she needed a man TRUE_

_The earlier premise said she couldn't have Jack—so she needed to find someone else._

It still worked in her head, but the more she thought about it the more she realized that no amount of logic would ever allow her to reason her way out of hurting the man in front of her.

He had already had so much pain in his life, and all she did was add to it. Looking back up at him she realized for the first time that she didn't deserve him.

The realization scared the hell out of her.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

She wanted children. He didn't know what to do with that information. His mind couldn't comprehend the idea that she had imagined their children. _Their_ children.

He wasn't sure he could even handle having a child again. The thought of screwing up so badly, again, was enough to make him wary—but he couldn't pretend the idea of having children with Carter wasn't tempting.

"It's your turn Carter."

A perplexed, "huh?" came from the other side of the table.

"I've asked the questions I needed answers to. It's your turn. Now or never, Carter. You know I don't do 'open' well, so take it while you've got it."

"Ok, sir, I guess…are you still dating Kerry?"

A small smile graced his face before he answered, "She broke up with me. Said I had issues."

What he didn't expect was the sincere and heartfelt laugh that came after. It sounded like a toned down version of the one she'd let loose in the chapel, and he was pretty sure a lot of that had been relief.

Her next question was also one he was expecting.

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"You answered that yourself before. I wasn't allowed, and I didn't have the right." He took a deep breath and continued.

"I was also scared."

A small gasp came from her lips at that admission.

"You don't understand do you? You hurt me. Dating Pete, well, it hurt more than I think I can describe, and stopping you—If I had tried and it didn't work I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Plus, you're a big girl, Carter, and capable of making your own decisions. I wanted you to be happy, even if I wasn't."

She didn't seem to move after his speech. He wasn't even sure if she was breathing. With her face pointed at her lap he couldn't see any movement, and after awhile he started to worry. When she finally looked up he saw the tears streaming down her face. She made no move to cover them, and when remorseful blue eyes met his, she finally spoke.

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

A nod from him was all she received.

"Did you have any more questions, Carter?"

He watched her think for a minute.

"Only one. Did I screw up too much? Is this completely irreparable?"

He grabbed a french fry off his untouched plate of food, and munched on it as he considered her question.

"I really don't know, Carter."

Tears began streaming down her face again, and as much as he hated hurting her, he realized a part of him got satisfaction out of making her feel some of what he had gone through.

"I've been transferred."

Wide blue eyes shot to his as he stated this and her questions came out rapid fire after that. After explaining his new position, why he was leaving, and who was replacing him, he finally came to the point.

"I don't think we should talk for awhile."

She didn't move at his statement. Pulling out his wallet and laying enough bills down to pay for the food twice over, he stood up.

"Carter, I'm moving to DC in two days. We're not going to talk for a month because I need some time. I have to find out if I can forgive you, and you need to figure out what you want."

He walked over to her, and brushed his right hand on her cheek before tilting her head slightly, leaning down he placed a chaste kiss on her forehead.

"Goodbye, Carter."

His walk across the restaurant was long, and it took everything he had to not look back.

With gravel crunching under his feet he wondered if he was making the right decision. It wasn't making him hurt any less, but he needed time. He had to find out if he could actually live without her. Just before he reached his truck he heard his name shouted. Not sir, or General but,

--- -- -- -- -- -- --

"JACK!"

As she ran across the parking lot she began second guessing herself. Stopping three feet from him she took a second to make up her mind.

Closing the distance she grabbed his face in both hands and kissed him like she'd never see him again. Pouring every ounce of emotion into the kiss she persisted until he relented and began kissing her back. As the need for air became pressing the kiss came to a natural end and she held onto him, gripping his shirt in her hands and curling her head into his neck…breathing in Jack O'Neill for what could possibly be the last time.

Her mind protested this thought, and as she felt him start to pull away she whispered softly into his ear:

"I'll miss you, Jack O'Neill. See you in a month."

A/N that last part was for all you shippers. I was going to have him just walk out… but I felt that it needed a little romance. I hope this chapter addressed the concern brought up in reviews. I tried to fulfill the 'a little more angst in the conversation', 'her logic was weak', and the 'why didn't he stop her' questions. Let me know if there is something you'd like to see… Also, sorry about the whole logic part—at heart I am a geek.

As always, you're feedback is appreciated, but not demanded.


	11. Chapter 10

Letting go of her and getting in that truck was the hardest thing. She stood watching him, a sad smile on her face, fingers caressing her lips, and something shining in her eyes he was still trying to place.

He loved her. There was no doubt about that. He needed her—like he needed to breathe. He wanted her. Well, that certainly was never the problem. He trusted her…in the field, with his life. But to not hurt his friends? To make good decisions? To not abuse her power over him? He wasn't sure. He couldn't trust her judgment like he once had—and for him, that was something that wasn't easily remedied.

He felt like an ass, but he needed to do this for himself. He needed to know. If he could make it through this month, then if she ever decided to leave—maybe he could survive that. Maybe.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

The next month was the slowest of her life. Einstein must have been right with that whole time being relative—She just didn't realize it was meant for social situations as well.

He'd left on the 2nd. That meant she had 31 days without him. After about 15, she gave up trying to not find out anything and went to ask Daniel if he'd talked to him. Finding a nonchalant way to bring him up however, was not an easy task.

Daniel was in his lab translating text and muttering curses at the woman lying across his lab table. She looked to be asleep—not that Sam could blame her, watching Daniel wasn't the most riveting of activities.

-- -- -- -- -- --

It had only taken him a day to forgive her. After her two week seclusion, he showed up on her doorstep and asked to know what happened.

After hearing her explanation he felt pity for her, but needed to let her know what she had done to him.

They embraced after a ten minute rant that allowed Daniel to get out all his issues, and she apologized profusely. Then they worked on falling back into that brother and sister role that had always been special to them.

"Hey, Daniel."

His head popped up from the artifact, and a smile came to his face "Sam, how are you?"

"Good, I just needed to ask you something."

"Shoot."

She hesitated long enough to make him look back up at her from the tablet. When he saw tears in her eyes he knew what this was about.

"How is he Daniel?"

Silence greeted her as he looked back down at the tablet.

"Sam, you know I can't tell you that. Please don't ask me."

-- -- -- -- -- -- - -- -- -

Washington sucked. It beyond sucked.

He was alone. All he thought about everyday was Carter, and to top it all off his secretary—twenty-two year old secretary—was shameless.

Not a good combination for a man trying to get over a woman.

This month was long. It was the thirty-first, and in two days his self-imposed Carter ban would be over.

He didn't know what to do about it. He couldn't just call her. He felt horrible about putting her through this, guilty about it really, and how to get her back was something he had been pondering the past week.

The only thing he'd learned was that a month without Carter was a month he'd rather have to do over. He couldn't live without her, that was apparent, so he had no choice but to trust her. Something that came easier to him everyday they were apart.

He started to formulate a plan.

A/N A plan! Yay, Jack! Ok, hoped you liked it...Conclusion coming in the next chapter or two…


	12. Chapter 11

It was the evening of the 2nd and she was sitting in her living room staring at the ridiculous apron that Pete had bought her. It came around the neck and waist, was covered in pink flowers, and had lace around the edges. She should have known something was wrong when he bought it. Daniel had tried to tell her, and what had she done? Ignored him, hurt her best friend because of an apron.

They hadn't ever spoken about the night when their relationship became strained although she remembered that night clearly. It had been two weeks before the wedding, and he had come to her to try and talk. When he had knocked on her door, Pete had answered, and when he asked for her Pete told him she was busy and couldn't come to the door.

At this Daniel had of course questioned what she was doing that would keep her from talking, and Pete had answered that she was making dinner. She had heard Daniel, when he had finished laughing say, "Pete, Sam doesn't cook."

Pete had gotten an attitude then and opened the door wider to allow him inside. When he came into the kitchen Sam had had her hand in a bowl of brownie mix trying to retrieve a lost spoon. There was flower on her face, her hair was pulled off her face with little clips, and there was a burning smell coming from the stove.

The look of shock on Daniel's face was almost comical. He just looked at her, in her frilly pink apron and flour smudged face and said,

"Sam, this isn't you."

Her reply was just as short, sharp, and drenched with as much meaning as his statement had been.

"It is now Daniel."

He scrutinized her with eyes that knew and understood too much. Turning for the door he looked back at her and simply said, "It doesn't have to be. Don't do this to yourself, or him, Sam. It isn't right, and you know it."

She followed him to the door and stood on the porch as he drove away. Completely forgetting Pete was there, she ripped the apron off and threw it at the empty driveway trying to hold back the tears she knew were coming.

She hated this apron.

Teal'c had brought it to the door with him when he stopped by later that night. Pete was asleep already. She had heard the car pull up and met him at the door before he knocked. She couldn't take another lecture from Pete about her teammates interrupting their life.

He didn't come inside and with a solemn look on his face stated, "Daniel Jackson was quite upset when he returned. I believe this was the cause." Handing her the apron.

"You are a strong woman, Samantha Carter. You deserve much more than you have chosen for yourself. I will support whatever decision you make, and will stand by you always, but it is my duty to tell you I disagree. I will leave you in peace tonight. I wish you well Samantha."

With shaking hands she wrung the apron as she replied, "Thank you Teal'c, goodnight."

With determination she grabbed her zippo and the apron and headed to the backyard.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- - -- - -

That's where he found her. The sun was setting behind her, a small bonfire in front of her, and there was a small kitchen fire extinguisher in her right hand.

He watched from the shadows as she let the fire die down, and then literally pounded out the embers with the fire extinguisher. He could tell there was emotion behind her actions, and was afraid for her lawn, which now had a new and slightly deep hole in it.

"You're supposed to pull the pin and spray the fire, Carter. Not beat it into submission."

A/N I wanted to explain a little more about why she groveling so much and to so many people. I realized these were the reasons in my head—but you didn't know that, so… I tried. I know its kind of a cliffhanger, but a couple of reviews changed the way I was going to do the ending, and its going to be so much better now, so thank you reviewers!


	13. Chapter 12

Her head shot up so fast he was sure she gave herself whiplash. With eyes wide she watched him, warily almost, trying to think of anything to say. He saved her the trouble.

"Hiya, Carter. Long time no see."

He was dressed in his blues, stars on each shoulder, with his hat off even though he was outside. The sun was setting behind him, and when she looked at him all she could really see was his silhouette. Silence hung in the air as he waited for her response. He still hadn't moved from the corner of the house.

"I…Sir, um…" Shaking her head, she cursed at herself and finally came up with a reply that would let her know what she needed.

"Hi, Jack."

She could hear his intake of breath even across the yard, and closed her eyes awaiting his reaction.

"Sam."

She suddenly felt like she could breathe again, and opening her eyes which were unnaturally watery she looked at him. As she watched, he crossed the yard to the small bench under the tree in the corner. Sitting down on it, and placing his hand in the seat next to him, he said, "C'mere."

It took everything in her power not to run to him. She looked down at the hole in her lawn, the scorched grass around it, and set the extinguisher on the ground next to the zippo. Slowly, she walked to him, and sat to his left, keeping her body in her own space.

She had watched the ground on her way over, and still didn't have the nerve to look at him, instead watching the rest of the setting sun off to her left. She almost jumped out of her skin when she felt his hand caress the bare skin of her right arm. Slowly lowering to her hand and entwining his fingers with hers.

Her attention shifted to their entwined hands. She heard him whisper, "Perfect." Softly into the air, and looking up at him and making eye contact she realized he was talking about her.

His right hand moved to caress her left cheek and the eye contact was maintained as they sat there staring at each other. His hand drifted down to rest on her neck, and his thumb began lightly stroking the skin of her cheek and neck.

His hand retreated to his pocket briefly as they stared at each other, and when it re-emerged he grabbed her left hand tightly. She felt something pinch the skin in her palm, but before she could pull away to look or retreat he whispered:

"Marry me, Carter."

She paused, pulled her left hand to herself to reveal his hand. In the center of his hand was the most perfect diamond engagement ring she could ever imagine. It wasn't gaudy like the one Pete had given her, but, elegant, unique, and,

"Perfect." She whispered as she stared in awe at the ring in his hand.

"Marry me, Carter." He reiterated his request, meeting her eyes once again, and waiting for her reply.

A whispered "Yes, always," reached his ears. They both stared intently at their hands as he placed the ring on her left hand. It was a perfect fit.

She stood up then, grabbed his hand, and began to lead him across the lawn, back to her house. Just as they reached the hole in the ground he pulled her to him and kissed her. This one was slow and gentle, containing more passion than either could comprehend.

As the kiss ended, he looked down at the ground, and asked her,

"What were you burning, Carter?"

She dipped her head down as if embarrassed as she replied, "The past…metaphorically speaking, of course."

Noticing a shred of what looked to be lace, Jack made a guess.

"It was that apron, wasn't it?"

He got no answer as she pulled him through the glass door and into her house.

A/N there will be one more chapter to wrap up stuff, and that will be that. The end of my first real story. I'm kinda sad. I hope the way this played out wasn't too much of an anti-climax for some. Let me know what you think, or what I left out that you want resolved in the next and final chapter!


	14. Chapter 13

Something messed up cause I had a chapter fourteen than took it out… skip this!


	15. Chapter 14 just not the same one

A/N There was a different chapter here? I don't know what you're talking about...enjoy!

They made it about three feet into her house before his shirt was off. Another two and her shirt had found its way to the same floor.

The next three hours were a blur to her. Their first time wasn't anything like this. It was born out of desperation and comfort, not love. She had imagined so many things about this man over the years, but never once had she come to this conclusion. She knew sex with him would be mind-blowing. What she didn't know was that it would take her a full fifteen minutes to regain any sort of awareness after he made love to her. Wow.

When she woke up the next morning and rolled over, she noticed he wasn't there. Her breath quickened and tears formed in her eyes. Déjà vu was not something she appreciated in this circumstance, so forgoing clothing she sprinted from her room and ran down the hall. A torn "Jack!" coming from her lips.

He was there in an instant, coming around the corner at break-neck speed and almost colliding with her. Dressed only in his boxers he found himself with Carter wrapped tightly around his body, and leaning against the wall and sinking to the ground he soothed her with a hand through her hair.

He couldn't make anything out through her heaping sobs, and when she finally quieted down he lifted her head by grasping her chin, and looked straight at her asking,

"What's up Carter?" Her eyes closed in what looked like relief, and she kissed him.

"I love you, Jack." She finally said, through renewed tears.

"Well, I love you too, but that doesn't really explain why you just attempted to crawl under my skin." Looking at her inquisitively and prying for information, Jack hoped he wasn't pushing her too much.

"I woke up alone. You weren't there, I thought maybe you'd left again." Tears streaming slowly down her face blurred her vision, but the seriousness of the face looking back at her was not lost on her.

He grabbed her left hand and held it in front of her. She looked down as if only seeing the ring for the first time.

"I'm not going anywhere, Carter. Except right now I'm going to the kitchen—I don't want to burn breakfast."

A smile broke out across her face at the mention of breakfast, and a whispered, "You made me breakfast?" made her tears start again.

"Of course I did, Carter. Got to keep up your strength. Now, do you want one egg or two?"

"It doesn't matter as long as there are no bagels." was the reply he recieved as he went to flip the bacon, while contemplating what his friends reactions would be to this side of Samantha Carter.

A/N Ok, after careful consideration—and the finishing of some very important school-related things… I have decided to change the ending to this story slightly. Some thought it was abrupt—which it was, but I couldn't accomplish anything with the end in my head so I had to get something out. I hope some of you actually understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to fix it though, and thanks for putting up with my flippancy!


	16. Chapter 16

A/n well this story certainly doesn't seem to be ending quickly. Hope you're still enjoying it!

She hated the flu. After waking up at 3am and sprinting from the comfortable arms of her fiancé to the cold tile floor in front of her toilet, Sam proceeded to try and expel her toes through her throat. Jack had followed her in the bathroom, and between heaving she had yelled at him to get out.

So now, he was talking soothingly through the bathroom door to her trying to reassure her that it was ok for him to see her sick. She finally let him in, and once the nausea passed they climbed into the shower to try and make her feel a little better. It was while in here she started crying.

"I'm sorry I ruined this." She sobbed, laying her head in his shoulder, feeling the water fall around her.

"What are you talking about, you didn't ruin anything."

"Our weekend—you know the romantic, never climb out of bed, newly engaged sex-capade weekend."

A small chuckle was the response.

She continued, "I don't think you should make breakfast anymore."

-- -- -- -- -- -

It was three days later, when she still couldn't keep food down that they finally took her in to see Dr. Lam.

After the regular check-up and blood work, Carolyn finally called them into her office.

-- -- -- -- --

"Jack, Sam, please sit down."

"Thanks, Carolyn—have you figured out what's wrong with me?"

"Yes, Sam, I know the cause of this." Thinking back to the discussion they had while checking her symptoms Carolyn decided to crack a joke. "I'm afraid that there isn't going to be a good not-sick time in the near future for you two to announce your engagement."

A look of shock crossed both their faces, and Jack jumped to conclusions.

"Is she that sick Doc? Like dying or just a really bad bug? What is it?"

"Well, she's certainly not dying." She chuckled internally at the relief that passed over Jack's face as Sam sat in her chair and came to the correct conclusion. Suddenly putting her hand over her stomach she looked hopefully up at the doctor. Carolyn just nodded her head.

When Jack saw Sam start crying he tried to comfort her. Still not understanding what was going on, he just kneeled beside her and clutched her knees.

"Sam, what is it? What the hell is going on?" There was a slight panic in his voice now.

Her answer was a shuddering breath and a whisper of, "It's Grace."

Still confused, he sat for a moment just staring at her, then she grabbed his hand and placed it over her stomach, and said again, "It's Grace."

His eyes went wide with shock as the realization dawned on him. She was pregnant.

A/N Ok, so--I'm debating which way to take this. The shipper side of me screams happy ending, baby, family... but the-for lack of a better word- 'operatic' side of me is screaming angst, sadness but with a slightly tragic ending. So, since I could really go either way at this point, I'm getting your opinion... Even if you don't want to write a whole review- just hit the little button and put T-for the tragic side, and S for the Shippy side... get your votes in now. Polls will be closing midnight on friday...


	17. Chapter 17

A/N The feedback has been great, and I'm still taking votes on whether to be shippy or not, however at this point it'd take a lot of nots to overcome the ships... anyway, here's another little bit to whet your appetite.

The first thing Jack did after finding out Sam was pregnant was count. He realized that if Sam was over two months pregnant, the baby wasn't his but—Pete's.

Clutching Sam's knees with almost impossible force he quietly turned to look over his shoulder at the doctor sitting behind the desk. Sam was still curled over, her head near his chest andweeping, when she heard his question.

-- -- -- -- --

Her mind was frantic. As soon as she heard the words come out of his mouth, she knew she could lose him. There was the possibility that the baby wasn't his, and if it wasn't could she really hope that he would stick around and raise another man's child?

Raising her head slowly and meeting the doctor's eyes, seeing the left half of Jack's face as he looked over his shoulder, she said a silent prayer. Then she saw the tears fall from the doctor's face.

-- -- -- -- --

"How far along is she?"

Carolyn was afraid it would come down to that. She didn't know when they had gotten together. She knew he had been gone for over a month, and there had been speculation that something had happened between them before he left—but she didn't _know_ if the information she was about to provide was going to rip apart the people before her, or make them happy.

Usually she knew—if someone was dying, it was bad news, if someone was living—good. But this was unknown, and tears fell down her face without thought as she stared at the couple waiting anxiously for the news.

-- -- -- -- --

"Please doc, how far along is she?" He asked again, looking at the grief stricken doctor, his insides clenching. Doing the math—the only other time they were together was that one night before he left. That was a month and four days ago.

A/N Mean, I know, but I'm already working on the next part and as you know, I will get it out as soon as I'm done! Hope you liked!


	18. Chapter 18

A/N As I said, I'd have it up as soon as I finished... Thanks for the kind reviews! I dedicate this chapter to Virago500 merely because I agree with his/her comment. I would stop reading it too, and I'm the writer.

Taking a deep breath Carolyn gave them the answer.

"She's…" the doctor took a shuddering breath, "She's about four and a half weeks."

At this news Jack's head whipped around to look at Sam, and Sam's hands came to cover her face. Her sobbing began again, harder than before, as she tried to assimilate the news.

Carolyn was frozen to her chair. She couldn't tell whether or not they took it well. She couldn't see the Colonel's face because of her hands, and the only awareness she had of the General's reaction was the back of his head. Her fists tightened on the armrests as the scene unfolded in front of her.

-- -- -- -- -- --

Jack was frozen. Staring at the top of Sam's head the only thing going through his mind was _'I'm going to be a father'_. Finally snapping out of it he grabbed her head, and with hands over each of her ears began to kiss any part of her he could see, muttering in between how much he loved her.

At the fluttering kisses bathing her head she pulled her hands away from her face to show her tear streaked cheeks and a smile that could only mean one thing. Taking the initiative to cover all the newly uncovered Carter-face, Jack continued his kissing, until they were in a passionate embrace that smoldered and burned like nothing they had experienced together.

-- -- -- -- --

Knowing that they had been together was different than watching them make-out in front of her. She kept still as she reveled in her relief at the smile gracing Sam's features when she looked up. _They_ were going to be parents. Carolyn felt it time to excuse herself, and with a quiet cough whispered, "Congratulations" and headed for the door.

"Doc!" Turning quickly at Jack's yell she raised an inquisitive eyebrow at the father-to-be. He disentangled himself from Sam and got up and purposefully walked across the room.

Next thing Carolyn knew she was being hugged like she'd just saved the world, and just for good measure, she was assuming, she felt Jack O'Neill spin her around before depositing her back down on the floor. "Thank you, Doc. Thank you."

"Yes Carolyn, thank you so much! But, wait a minute… what about the not keeping food down thing, isn't that bad for he baby?" Sam added with a giant smile on her face.

The doctor was finally on familiar territory.

"Small meals Sam, nothing spicy, and if it ever gets this bad again, come back in and we'll give you another bag of fluids. Congratulations again on both the engagement and the baby. Feel free to use my office as long as you need ok?"

A resounding, "Oh we will Doc!" followed her out the door as she tried not to think about what might _actually_ happen in her office in the next couple of hours.

A/N So there. Happy now? I actually have gotten a vote for T. Amazingly- seems everyone is kinda sick of the show's writers and their omission of anything Jack and Sam lately. I've got a great idea in mind for the story and I'm hoping I can write it as well as it is in my head. Stick with me... I promise it'll be good.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N thanks again for all the reviews. love hearing from you.

Sam's pregnancy was progressing smoothly. At almost three months pregnant the morning sickness had not abated, and she was already beginning to show. A fact she found disturbing.

"Jack, come look at this!" Walking into their bedroom the last thing he expected to find was his fiancé completely naked and standing in front of a mirror.

"Wow, you can call me in here to look at this anytime." He replied in a silky voice, wrapping his arms around her from behind and putting his large hands on her stomach.

"I'm starting to show. Isn't it too early? I mean, I'm only two and half months along!"

Coming around in front of her and bending down to her belly he whispered, "Gracie, what do you think? Do you think mommy is starting to show too early?"

She smiled, not only because of the adorable-ness of the scene in front of her, but also his serious face while staring at her belly button as if waiting for an answer. He then leaned forward kissed her stomach stating, "Yeah, Gracie, that's what I thought too."

Standing back up to meet her eye to eye, he said, "Gracie says she might have company."

Looking at him confused momentarily, Sam suddenly got his meaning, and she gasped.

"Twins? Jack? Do they run in your family, cause they certainly don't in mine!"

"My father was a twin, and his grandfather was a twin. So, if it's going in order… then yeah, there's a possibility. I guess we'll find out tomorrow when we go to see Carolyn."

-- -- -- -- --

They were nervous. Walking into the mountain, heading for the infirmary, they both knew the implications of this exam. It was the first exam where they would be able to hear the baby's heartbeat. Babies, maybe.

Laying back on the table and lifting her shirt, she watched, fascinated, as Carolyn prepped the ultrasound machine. It was a new 3-D machine where they would actually see a holographic image of the baby.

Putting the heartbeat monitor low on her belly, Carolyn began the examination explaining that a full sweep of the abdomen was required before anything visual was displayed.

An agonizing five minutes later, something finally appeared.

With a large gasp, Sam, once again, began crying muttering, "Damn hormones." Jack squeezed her hand in an almost vice-like grip as he tried to catch his breath, as Carolyn turned around and faced the couple with a beaming smile.

There was no mistaking, it was definitely twins.

-- -- -- -- --

The most wonderful thing in the universe to Sam was when Carolyn turned on that machine and she heard her baby's heartbeat.

The second most wonderful thing in the universe to Sam was when she saw her babies on that hologram. She was having twins. Wow.

The most frightening thing in the universe to Sam was when she saw Carolyn start typing quickly on the computer, and start moving around the heartbeat monitor.

The most painful thing in the universe to Sam was when she realized that she could see two babies, and only hear one heartbeat.

The second most painful thing in the universe to Sam was when she watched Jack realize it too.

A/N Don't hate me.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N sorry it took so long. Glad you don't all hate me. Hope it stays that way!

Watching the couple hold each other, looking at her with such hope, she didn't know what to say to them.

"Jack, Sam, you've obviously figured out that there is a problem. I don't want to jump to conclusions here until I do a few tests. There is always the possibility that the second baby's heart has not developed enough to begin beating. Sometimes twins don't always develop evenly and quite often, one of the pair is underdeveloped at birth as well. I mean, I just need to do some tests before I can tell you for sure, and if all else fails you do have some favors you can call in from our allies and.."

"Carolyn, you're rambling." The shaky voice of Sam's broke through her monologue.

"I'm going to go set up some tests." She told them while reaching to turn off the heart and visual monitors. She was stopped by General O'Neill.

"Leave them on for a bit ok? We'll turn them off soon, but, we just need to… just leave them on."

She walked quickly from the room holding back the tears, knowing that there may not be anything she could do.

-- -- -- -- --

Neither had said anything since Carolyn had left the room. Both stared at the image of their children, and both had tears traveling down their faces.

"I can't do this Jack." Sam's voice broke his reverie, and he looked at her—the pain in her eyes overwhelming.

"I'm not strong enough to lose one or both of these babies, our babies, no, Jack, I don't think I can do this."

He turned her slightly to face him and with a determined voice stated, "Sam, you can do anything, even this if it's necessary."

-- -- -- -- --

All the tests had been run, and all of their hopes had been dashed. There was nothing that could be done to save the second baby. Their last hope was Thor, and he had been contacted two days ago.

Sam stayed at the mountain, refusing to go home with one of her children dead inside her.

-- -- -- -- --

"Greetings, O'Neill"

Trying to wake-up and get passed the re-molecularizing feeling of being beamed up, Jack shook his head slightly.

"Hello, Thor."

"It is good to see you again, friend, why have I been summoned?"

"Well, it's a personal matter Thor. Sam and I are going to have a baby."

A pained expression passed over his face, not going unnoticed by the small alien.

"What is it you need my assistance with, O'Neill?"

" Look, Sam is pregnant, as I have told you, with twins. But, one of the babies needs help. Only one of them is alive, Thor, and we need you to do what you can to help our other child."

"I will of course do everything in my power."

And with a flash of light Jack was standing beside Sam who was lying in an Asgard medical pod.

A/N I heart Thor.


	21. Chapter 21

"…as you have known for awhile, Colonel Carter, the Asgard are a dying race. We have not reproduced sexually in many, many, millennia. I am sorry, but I find our technology is lacking the necessary skills to aide your child." His monotone and metallic voice echoed through the ships infirmary, a sound he was sure would haunt him for a long time.

Jack, although devastated cast a frightened look at Sam. He had seen her handle death many times, but never on so personal a basis. He knew, just as with the death of her father, that her first reaction was what she stuck with. When Daniel had died, she was angry; Janet was weepy, and her father's death was more of a sad but satisfied reaction. Her child--he would have to wait and see.

She was sitting on the side of the medical pod. Hands clenching and unclenching the edge while her feet dangled below her. He could see the myriad of emotions playing across the side of her face, and thought that this was it.

What she did next, frightened him.

With a detached look, a soldier's persona, Sam raised her head.

"So what do I do? I walk around with a dead child in my womb for nine months?" The words were not harsh, or callous, but spoken as if she was consulting Thor about a naquada generator.

Jack didn't know what to say, but luckily Thor jumped in before he was required to speak.

"No, Colonel Carter, I can easily remove the child without harming you or the other fetus. If you just lay back on the table it will be over momentarily."

She did as was asked and felt a warm sensation in her stomach. With a flash of light, Thor nodded his head. "It is done."

-- -- -- -- -- --

Sam never cried about her dead child. Never mourned the loss of the small life that was theirs together; she wouldn't talk about it or listen to him. Over the next three months he felt a huge and gaping void build between them, but was powerless to stop it.

He didn't realize it yet, but it was his dead son that would help him bridge it.

A/N I still heart Thor-- Sorry he couldn't heal the baby, but he's not _really_ a god, he just plays one on TV--and then only to much more primitive societies.


	22. Chapter 22

He had always had nightmares. She would wake up to him tossing and turning and be able to talk soothingly to him and he'd wake up, and she'd be there, or he'd settle and go back to sleep. But this time when she woke up, he was face down, head smothered into his pillow, sobbing.

She had only dealt with a sobbing jack once before, on what was supposed to be her wedding night, so long ago. It scared her then, and it scared her even more now.

Shaking his shoulder lightly, she whispered, "Jack… Jack, what's wrong?"

His head tilted slightly to the left, towards her, and she saw his eyes still closed in sleep, his broken whisper, "No, no Charlie, not Sam. Please, Sam, don't leave me."

She gasped at this, not knowing what to do. She was used to dreams of Charlie. Used to waking up to him screaming his dead son's name. She was also used to dreams of her dying. Being hit by a staff blast was the most common, but she also had dreams of him dying, that wasn't strange.

But him pleading with Charlie to leave her, she didn't know what to make of it. She was brought out of her thoughts by more whispers.

"Why would you do this to me? Why Charlie? Please don't take her. I love her. You left already, don't let her leave me, please."

She was going to leave him? She had thought they had passed this insecurity a long time ago. Was he not sure of her anymore? Why would she leave him?

"No, Charlie, I just wanted to talk to her. About the baby, yes, the baby. Oh Charlie, I lost another son. How can this hurt so much?" His voice was now normal. It was as if she looked around she would see Charlie standing there talking to him. But he was facing her. Eyelids still shut tight, eyes frantic behind them…he was still obviously sleeping, although not sobbing anymore.

"Another son, my second son, no, no, no, it hurts so much, and she isn't there. No, Charlie, she's there, but she isn't. I can't talk to her about it. Oh, God, Charlie, another son."

Her emotions welled up on her, as they had so often since that day on Thor's ship. She clamped down tight on them, not letting them surface. She was stronger than that, and Jack had said so. She could get through anything, even this. She would not crumble.

"Don't go Charlie, you're the only one who will talk to me, please Charlie. No, CHARLIE!"

He shot up straight in bed to find his wife with watery eyes, and the same determined look on her face he'd gotten to know over the past three months. The detached look of emotional abandonment.

A/N A- is for Angst, B- is for bed, C- is for the crazy thoughts dancing through my head...

Can I still heart Thor even if he isn't IN this chapter? He _is _mentioned...

Would love to hear what you think about it all... I can't believe it's still going. Will it ever end?


	23. Chapter 23

A/N This is for lennielight, whose review not only made me giggle a little, but with which I totally I agree. I hope this helps. :)

It was a few seconds after she saw him try and mask the pain he was feeling that she finally spoke.

"You were wrong, Jack." Trying to understand what she was saying while reeling from the dream he'd just so abruptly left was difficult, near impossible.

"What? What was I wrong about?" He asked while looking at her worriedly from across the bed. Trying to think through everything he'd said lately to find his error.

Her eyes were still watery but her face was stoic as she answered him, "You said I could handle this. Even this. I can't, Jack, I can't handle this."

He just looked at her after this answer, stared at her for about thirty seconds. Then, finally, he saw her façade start to crack. A tear escaped from her right eye, traveled the length of her cheek and dripped onto her stomach. He watched its path, and then looked back up at her with questioning eyes.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I tried to be strong. I tried to handle it, but I can't. My baby, our baby died!" She was screaming now, tears flooding her face. "You said I could handle it, but I can't!" She screeched at him and burrowed her face into the pillow beside her.

He suddenly realized what he had done. That day, so long ago, he had meant to reinforce her strength, their strength, to live through this tragedy. She had taken it differently. She had thought he meant for her to deal with it and move on, an easy mistake for her to make while looking at his way of handling things. He watched her cry, frozen in the realization that he had caused it; he had dug the chasm between them with his words.

After a minute he reached out to her, and pulled her to him forcefully, wrapping himself around her small form as she continued to cry. Her legs around his waist, her round stomach trapped between them, her hands around his chest, she buried herself inside the man she loved.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I'm sorry I couldn't do it. Don't be disappointed, please." She emphatically whispered into his chest, trying to stem the flow of tears.

"Oh God, Sam, no." She tried to recoil at these words but he held her fast. "No, you're not going to misunderstand me this time." Questioning blue eyes met his as he continued. "I didn't mean for you to do this alone. I'm here Sam, I have been, and everyday I have dealt with you slipping away from me. _We_ lost _our_ baby. Our son. No one can handle that, and no one, especially you should have to deal with it. When I said you could handle it, I meant _us_ together would get through it. And we will, but we have to talk about it, we have to talk about him. Name him. Please Sam, we need to be able to heal, together."

He was afraid he said too much. Her head was leaning against his chest and she was still taking staggering breaths between sobs. Her hands clutched at his sides as he stared at the top of her blonde head, waiting for a response.

A whispered "Jonathan" reached his ears.

"Hmmm?" He answered, surprised at her use of his full name.

"No, Jonathan Jacob O'Neill, that was his name. We would have called him Jack Jr. We would have loved him so much."

"No, Sam, we do love him. So much, that's why it hurts."

They lay down together and held each other, both crying if they needed to, both holding onto the other for dear life. Just before drifting off to sleep he heard Sam ask a question.

"Jack, what happened to his ashes? Thor did give you something like that right?" She almost whispered the question, hope evident in her voice, that all traces of her son had not been lost.

"Yes Sam, he did. I, well, I buried them next to Charlie about two months ago."

Her quiet voice came back to him, oddly satisfied. "Good his big brother can look out for him. We'll get him a gravestone tomorrow ok?"

"Ok, Sam. I think he'd like that. I love you."

"I love you, too, Jack. I'm back."

A/N I think I've abused the toys long enough. Time for some fluff...what do you think?


	24. Chapter 24

A/N Sorry it took so long to update

Being eight months pregnant looked good on her, at least according to him. She, however, was much more shy about her body and the weight she had gained. Her mood had improved drastically since that night they'd reconnected.

She was still sad over the loss of her son, but was also excited about the arrival of his sister. She started nesting, washing everything from the baby showers she'd been given, and asking him to dust everything in sight.

He came up behind her and put his hands on her hips and began to nibble on the back of her ear, receiving the same response he'd been given for the last two weeks.

"My ears are fat, Jack. Just like the rest of me."

His response was to turn her sharply to face him, stare directly into her eyes and state explicitly, "I'm sick of this!"

His tone caught her off guard and she was stunned enough to follow as he led her by the wrist into their bedroom. He stood her in front of the full length mirror by the dresser and began to unbutton her top.

"Jack, don't…" She started to protest, but was quickly cut off by a hand coming up and covering her lips.

"Just, be quiet Sam, alright? Just for then next ten minutes, let me do this!"

He continued undressing her, and watched as she tried to cover herself from him. After removing her stretchy skirt and everything beneath it she stood there completely naked and exposed to his gaze.

He grabbed her wrists and put her hands which were trying to cover anything they could, by her sides.

Looking at her, he stated, "Sam, I don't care what you say, but you are the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm tired of hearing you say you're fat, I'm tired of hearing you put yourself down because of your weight. Your weight is OUR child, and that makes you even more beautiful to me."

Her disbelieving laugh followed this declaration, but silenced quickly as she felt him sweep her body with his gaze.

When he looked up, the lust in his eyes was unmistakable. It was the same fire that had always been there before, and she was shocked that it was so strong now, in her pregnant state.

He came up to her and kissed her passionately, reinforcing his original point.

"You are incredibly hot, Samantha." Her named rolled off his tongue and made her knees weak. "And if you'd be so kind as to join me on the bed, I'll, carefully, show you just how hot I think you are."

A smile swept over her face at his blatant adoration as she waltzed lightly to the side of the bed feeling like the most beautiful woman in the world.


	25. Chapter 25

A/N This chapter, although I hope you all like it, is specifically for nogigglingmajor. It's the end of the semester and my life is absolutely crazy... and getting her message asking for a new chapter made my day--well more like week. So, she chose another chapter to lillies-- and here it is. I promise as soon as this semester is over I'll be able to write more!

Oh, and I'm very sorry- it seems when I attempt to write fluff it comes out as angst...but I tried to end this chapter with hope.

- - - - -

He didn't understand how it happened. They were on earth, they were happy, and she wasn't supposed to be in danger.

He had woken up around midnight to find Sam next to him sweating. She was still asleep but she was covered in sweat- he'd have thought it was a nightmare if she wasn't so still. When he reached to touch her forehead he found her burning up. But, it was when he tried to wake her that his world stopped.

She wouldn't wake up. She was unconscious, almost to term, and with an extreme fever.

The first thing he did was call for an ambulance- and as he waited, trying to cool her down with a cloth, he called Daniel and Teal'c to have them meet them at the hospital.

It was two hours later that the doctor came out to explain to the three men what was happening.

"Mr. O'Neill, I'm afraid some decisions may have to be made."

Those words made his knees go weak, and if it weren't for Daniel and Teal'c on either side and their lightning reflexes he would have found himself sprawled on the floor.

He could only pick up certain words of the doctor's explanation through the ringing in his head, but they were enough to let him know his life could change forever, very quickly.

"She's fighting for her life… we have to take the baby… it may not be enough… too much strain…it may come down to her or the baby, Mr. O'Neill…she's weak…if we'd caught it sooner…"

That's when his tears had started. His body started shaking and a numbness went through his body that he was familiar with. He was going into shock.

Another hour later, two blankets wrapped around him and a coke in hand, he stared absently at the door the doctor would come from. They wouldn't let him see her.

The door crashed open quickly, and a nurse came rushing in.

"Mr. O'Neill, you have to come with me now, please hurry."

He sprinted from his chair and followed the ragged nurse down the corridor, and that's when he heard Sam. She was screaming for him. And all he could think was that she's still alive.

Entering the room and going to her side, she calmed instantly.

The doctor looked at him and stated, "We didn't expect her to regain consciousness. When she did she was very disoriented. I tried to explain the situation as I did to you, but she became a little hysterical. I'm very sorry but a decision has to be made."

Jack's head reeled. "Sam, I can't lose you, I can't live without you. I can't make this choice."

"Jack, this is OUR daughter. We've already lost our son, you can't ask me, if there is something I could do, to give up on our daughter too. I can't do that. But you have to be here to take care of her Jack, you have to live and be okay to take care of our Gracie."

Looking at the doctor's he silently asked to have a minute alone with his wife. The room emptied with a quick word from the doctor before the door shut. "I'm sorry, but this has to happen soon. I can only give you a few minutes because soon it may be too late for both of them."

It was the moment the doctor shut the door that Jack crawled into the bed next to his wife.

The next moment, a bright flash of light consumed the room.

A/N I hope you liked it! Please let me know :) Have a great day--


	26. Chapter 26

A/N Hey, everyone! I lay before you now the final episode of the lilies story.I'm sad, but I hope this lives up to the rest of the story. Let me know what you think!

The feeling of re-molecularization was disconcerting to say the least.

Jack was afraid to open his eyes. He had never been a hopeful person, but right now with his eyes tightly shut and his wife curled into him, he was hopeful that when he opened his eyes he'd see Thor. The other options went through his head, Ba'al and the Replicators all had the Asgard beaming technology now too...but right now, he wanted Thor.

Jack finally pried his eyes open, and before he had the chance to look around, Sam went still in his arms.

"Stay with me baby, sweetie, please stay with me...Sam..." Small endearments kept slipping from his lips as he shook his limp wife in effort to wake her up.

Just as the full implications hit him, a sharp white light went off in his face. He was momentarily blinded, and in this state fell off the hospital bed that had obviously been beamed up with them. When he crawled to his knees he found the bed was empty. Panic overtook him until he looked up.

Sam was across the ship, in an Asgard medical pod with Heimdall overlooking her. Thor, was approaching him, a small wailing bundle in his arms.

"Your daughter, O'Neill." The small alien stated as he passed the small bundle to the crying man.

Staring in awe at the small child wrapped in a pink blanket, and in advertently reminding himself to ask Thor where he got the small pink blanket, his mind turned to his wife. Upsetting the child in his arms, he sprinted where she lay, looking at her still face and grabbing her limp hand, he willed her to wake up.

"Thor, what's wrong with her? Is she going to be ok?"

"She will be fine, O'Neill. The internal bleeding that was upsetting the child was minor, and repaired easily. I believe your doctor's would have learned this as soon as they began their procedure. Both would have been fine without our intervention."

Taking deep breaths and trying to calm his rapidly beating heart, he felt pressure on the hand he held in a death grip.

"My fingers need circulation, Jack, if I'm going to hold our daughter."

The Asgard medical moved to accommodate her wish, and she soon found herself holding her daughter with her husband just next to her, his hands protectively around them both.

"I believe the child is hungry, Colonel Carter, but 'breast feeding' is beyond our knowledge to teach. We must send you back to the hospital."

A small giggle passed through Sam's lips and after a quite playful, "No giggling, Carter" Jack asked the small alien to return them to the SGC infirmary, with Daniel and Teal'c, of course.

Another blinding white light found them all in the SGC, Daniel and Teal'c with expectant looks on their faces.

Both approached the couple with smiles. "They all thought we were nuts when we went to the gift shop after you disappeared. The hospital staff was freaking out, Jack. It was quite funny. But, we didn't want to show up empty handed." Daniel stated.

With that comment Daniel and Teal'c both handed beautifully cut large white lilies to the beaming mother.

"Mine, Colonel Carter, are for the child. She is beautiful."

"Yes, she is very beautiful." Daniel added.

Grabbing the flowers from them and sniffing them lightly, she laid them across her lap and grabbed Jack's hand tightly. Looking at the flowers and thinking back so long ago to the moment when she was standing at the altar staring at Pete clutchingugly flowers in her hand, she thanked whatever God that was real for this moment, with her child, her husband and her best friends.In that moment, she knewwhat it meant to betruly blessed.

Taking another look at the small child in her arms and fingering the fresh flowers she replied:

"Thanks guys. Lilies are my favorite."

A/N Well, thank you so much for reading! I heart Thor! I have really appreciated all the reviews you've been kind enough to write through this whole story, and would love to hear comments on this chapter, the overall story, or even just how much you love (hate?) me in general! The story had to end sometime... tear


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